


i'm meaner than my demons

by makemelovely



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 16:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12062784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: you remember everything from the time you are born to the time your eyes are green





	i'm meaner than my demons

**Author's Note:**

> title from control by halsey

1\. i'm colder than this home

You are born to a smiling mother who looks scared when she sees you for the first time. Her eyes are wide and her skin pale but she swallows back the terror and disgust when she sees your big black eyes and light light hair. She makes herself hold onto you, hands shaking and lips trembling. You don't cry. Later you think that was your first mistake. Not crying just rationalized that first moment when her entire being was filled with the certainty that you were born wrong.

Every moment afterwards just makes her more certain that you are not normal.

You grow up with a mother who holds you with a forced smile and fake affection. It feels cold.

2\. i'm bigger than these bones

You dream sometimes about brilliantly green grass and a little girl with red hair. She is little, around five-years-old and her hair is violently red like the color of spilled blood but oddly it doesn't fill you with satisfaction. She giggles and hugs you and calls you brother and Jon with more affection in her little voice than you have ever heard in your entire existence.

A mansion sits beside you and the little girl leans against you and Clary is watching you, a smile softer than you've ever seen. Her red hair falls gently over her pale shoulders and she laughs at the inane jokes that somehow spill past your lips. You think that this is what happiness feels like. You think perhaps this is the sibling love you craved growing up.

Somehow when you look at Clary and Jace who are looking at each other while shiny eyes that glitter with love you aren't jealous. You don't burn with hatred for the golden boy who swipes everything you want with a cocky smirk and a soul filled to the brim with satisfaction. You are overwhelmed with soft affection for your sister but it doesn't feel anything like the love you know you have for her. It feels like what a big brother feels. It feels like when you look at your five-year-old sister and vow to save her entire world because surely it will crumble and fall.

Clary winds her arms around your neck and leans in close and you are her brother and this is the first time you have really felt it.

You wake up and if you had one your soul would be shredded. You are filled with fire and you will burn the world to the ground and take your sister for yourself. Maybe someday you can recreate your dream all over again without the pesky interruptions. Clary will be yours, that is the one thing you will swear by.

3\. i'm bigger than my body

You wonder about the boy who lives close by and is your father's other son. He is your age with golden eyes and golden hair and maybe golden everything. He is the opposite of you, your father tells you with his lips twitching and leaning in a way that you aren't familiar with. You almost think he feels love for this boy who is not you and it adds to the fire that licks just beneath your skin. Your father tells you that this boy is soft when you are hard, weak where you are hard. He loves with a fire that can not extinguish but he says it not with anger but with pride. Like this boy is better than you in the ways you should be better.

Perhaps this is when your hatred started to bleed into your mind. When you couldn't separate your training with your state of mind. Your state of mind shatters into fragments and you can't separate the difference between sanity and insanity.

4\. I can't help this awful energy

You are floating above all the hatred that has loaded you down all your life. You have never known what choosing good felt like. It feels damn good. It feels better than razing cities and burning empires to the ground. You feel like you can fly above the world and you want to, you really do. But you can't. You can't because you are dying. Clary is looking down at you, a curtain of red and all you can feel is disgust for how you treated her. She is your sister and you pursued her relentlessly. You hope she is happy but then she starts to cry and her tears drop against your skin. It feels like acid against your skin. It melts your skin and muscle and bone and picks you apart until there is nothing left.

Jocelyn cries silently, tears falling down her face not for you but for the child you could have been. Jace stands silently and you can feel fragments of his soul that has never quite left you crying out for the destruction of everything that has to do with you. You can't say it doesn't hurt.

But it doesn't really matter because you are flying high above the hurt and floating even farther than the crippling disappointment of being fundamentally evil. You feel so light now.

You never knew you could feel this light.


End file.
